Overbearing parents are the Number One threat to freedom that we face. This just dawned on me a few minutes ago. Allow me to explain 🙂
My Mom comes from a family of 7 kids. My Dad comes from a family of 5 kids. I have 30 first cousins. There were a few differences-mostly political-in the beliefs that our parents raised us with, but there was one thing they all agreed on: it was not their place to tell us when to get married. Really, they didn’t think it was their place to run the lives of their adult children at all, but they especially refrained from telling us that we couldn’t get married until a certain age, or that we had to be married by a certain age. Some of us married as teenagers right out of high school. Most of us married in our twenties, a few of us waited until our thirties, a few of us never married at all. And as far as our parents are concerned, it’s all good. 8 of us have been divorced, which makes the divorce rate in my family 25%, half the national average. With one exception, the divorces have all been remarkably civil and civilized, and the kids who are now grown up seem to be doing very well. Out of 30 of us, 3 of the girls got pregnant before they were married. One gave the baby up for adoption, the other 2 kept the baby, and raised them with a great deal of help and support from the family. Both of those kids are now almost 40, and doing well. They are both college graduates, and one is married to a guy who has his PhD in something I cannot remember. The national rate of out of wedlock births is around 50%, I think? In my family, it’s around 13%, and I can assure you with almost total certainty: no one ever got an abortion. We are all very very pro-life. I am not suggesting that my family is perfect, but we seem to be doing better than the national average. And even when we mess up, it all somehow seems to work out. I don’t believe that this is a coincidence.
And another thing, which just occurred to me: not one of my cousins or any of their too numerous to count children is a drug addict. In today’s culture, this may be the most remarkable thing. A couple of us might be functioning alcoholics, but seriously, only a couple of us, and there are no drug addicts, at least not yet, Praise God, knock on wood.
So, my family is beating the odds. Some conservatives might think that the elders in our family-most of whom, sadly, have passed on-must have been more strict than most parents. Actually, the opposite was and is true.
The adults in my family are strict with the kids, but they do not attempt to run the lives of their adult children. Our parents never told us that we couldn’t get married at 18, or that we had to be married by 30, or that we had to be married at all. We were definitely taught that it is far better to be married before having children, but as a strong pro-life family, the girls knew that if we got pregnant before marriage, it would be our choice whether to keep the baby or give the baby up for adoption, and we knew that if we kept the baby, our parents would move heaven and earth to help us. Some think this attitude encourages unwed motherhood. I don’t think so. To think that, you would have to believe that little girls don’t dream of getting married: very very few young women prefer single motherhood to being married. Being supportive of single mothers within a family environment will not lead to an explosion of them, or at least, it didn’t in our family.
So many parents are so afraid to relinquish control of their children when the kids grow up, but people who are accustomed to overbearing parents will be easily accustomed to an overbearing government. Conservatives often point to divorce and out of wedlock births as a threat to the country, but we will never totally eliminate either of those things, and neither of those things is the worst threat we face. Overbearing parents are the worst threat we face. Parents who want to stand over the shoulders of their adult children are grooming those kids for an authoritarian government.
Their intentions are always good, but, well, you know.
ST UnWoked & UnVaxxed! 
Too often, conservatives are trying to re create what American society used to be 100 years ago. That will never work, and there is no point in trying. It is harmful and destructive to promote a zero tolerance policy for divorce and single motherhood, especially when that zero tolerance policy requires parents to stand over their adult children, and also requires everybody to be in everybody else’s business all the time.
Parents need to back off, and let the kids grow up. They will make mistakes. They will mess up. That is part of life. No one wants their kid to mess up, but they all do. If you never allow a child to fail, they will never learn how to recover.
Do we want to be free people, or do we want to be good little adults who always do as Mommy and Daddy say?
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“Parents need to back off, and let the kids grow up.”
Quite an astute post!
My father had a method of child rearing that I certainly would have used if I had had kids. He didn’t monitor personal things- clothing, friends, even curfews BUT it was made perfectly clear that I was to focus upon my grades, college and future career. He also required that I have a part-time job to learn how to handle finances and got me a credit card with a $200 limit that was I totally responsible for paying off each month. (I quickly learned about the evils of interest fees.)
In other words, I was too busy planning for the future to get into serious trouble! 🙂
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Long live this sort of “overbearing”….Modeling, giving advice, but not requiring that it be taken, etc. (The “Non-requirement” was, of course age-dependent, it may need to be said.) 😀
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Giggle, Nanda!
“Not requiring that it be taken…” My father certainly did (and my spoiled friends were appalled) but he raised his kids to survive in the real world. He couldn’t have given me a better advantage and I think appreciatively of him each and every day.
As life continues to get far more complex, I miss his guidance and advice always. 😦
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The “Non-requirement” was, of course age-dependent, Liz! 😀
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I heartily-agree, Liz; hopefully, we’ve internalized much of the good stuff. 🙂
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JaC, are you thinking of today’s “helicopter”/”lawn mower” parents here?
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No, although those are bad too. I am thinking of feminists, who tell young adults that no one should ever get married before age 30, and certain types of conservatives who think that everybody ought to be married by age 25. I am thinking of those on both the left and the right who just cannot leave their adult children alone-and it seems to happen across the political spectrum, in different ways.
Children obviously need rules and strict guidance. I am talking about people who want to run the lives of people over the age of 18. Whether left or right, these folks believe that they have a successful living formula that will work for every last human being on earth, and they are more than willing to heap scorn on those who don’t go along. In feminist circles, a woman who marries young will be looked down on: in some conservative circles, a woman who doesn’t marry young will be looked down on. There is no regard for individuals or individual situations. In both cases, they want to cram everyone into the same mold and severely punish anyone who refuses to be crammed. This is overbearing, and young people who are accustomed to overbearing old people will be more accepting of authoritarianism.
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I get it…
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“I am thinking of feminists, who tell young adults that no one should ever get married before age 30, and certain types of conservatives who think that everybody ought to be married by age 25.”
This comment hit a nerve and not for the reason y’all may think it did!
I didn’t get married until 34, my mother 30 (as an aside, she was particularly radical because she married a 26 yr old) and my only niece at 31. Nobody criticized me for waiting “so long” and I would extend a similar courtesy to women who married in college.
It’s this unrelenting pressure society is putting upon women to marry when strangers determine when is best for them.
Who do these ‘marriage counselors’ think they are???
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Thank you, Liz! People on both the left and the right are trying to cram everyone into the same mold. Don’t we have enough problems without busybodies telling other people when they should or should not get married?
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