Grief

If you’re not religious, it occurs to me on this first anniversary of bereavement, you don’t have to ask WHY?!?! There is no why and you know that. There is only biology. We are finite organisms programmed to self-destruct at a certain point. If we get the three score and ten, we’re lucky.
I know she believed that.
is it blasphemous to say: I wish I were sure of it?
This is the date, the very hour, my sister died. Why didn’t my own heart stop or at least skip?

One year ago tonight, I stumbled to the darkest coldest room of our house, i scrunched my body up as tiny as I could in the darkest coldest corner, I keened, screamed, wailed, sobbed. Please don’t forget me! But I knew she had. Oh not before she had to. But..the time had come. I who had never been without her, was, then, without her. And so, since.
I feel anger and …pity. Let me redeem myself tonight by expressing the tenderest regard for all those who mourn. “It is the blight man was born for”. You Simon and my dear Ettes are no strangers to it. Comfort to you, if any such there be.